Put It Back Together Again
by elenabee
Summary: "This was all she needed. If she could love him and be with him for the rest of her life, everything else would fall into place around them." Spencer and Toby had it all but when Toby's proposal sends Spencer running and into the arms of someone else, can they pick up the pieces and put them back together? AU, brief Spencer/Ezra, Spencer/Toby. Two-shot (with prologue).
1. Prologue

**a/n: **Hello! So, this is my first foray into fanfiction; not gonna lie, I'm pretty nervous! I haven't written (in general) in awhile but I've had this idea floating around in my head and I was hit by some inspiration to write it yesterday. This will be a two-shot with a prologue, this chapter serving as the prologue to set up the main story in the two-shot. It ended up more angsty than I intended, but I really hope you enjoy it! Please let me know what you think in a review; it would be so nice to hear from the people who read it. Also, I would love it if you gave me some ideas as to what Spencer should be majoring at school. I've been so stumped trying to pick something other than lawyer, ahaha. Thanks and enjoy!

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Spencer and Toby had been together and in love since Spencer's sophomore year of high school, Toby's junior year. They met in Rosewood, Pennsylvania and moved to New York for Spencer's freshman year of college. Toby had transferred from Hollis College to Cooper Union for architecture when Spencer was accepted into NYU. Their relationship wasn't perfect, as no relationship truly is, and they'd had their fair share of challenges thrown at them. From too-quick-to-judge parents to skeptical friends, jealous strangers and clashes in personality, Spencer and Toby had overcome plenty in their nine-year relationship but they always came out stronger for it. What they had didn't go unnoticed by those around them (once they understood), especially those that loved and cared for them, because it was clear they shared a bond like no other.

Spencer had graduated from NYU two years ago and Toby had gotten his degree in architecture from Cooper Union one year prior to Spencer. They had bought their first apartment together upon Spencer's graduation with the generous help of their parents. The Hastings and Cavanaughs were proud of all they'd accomplished respectively in school and admired that their children were in a happy committed relationship, which they were clearly in for the long haul. They wanted them to be comfortable in the city they'd chosen as their permanent home so they pitched in to help them purchase their own apartment in Chelsea, no longer having to live in a tiny off-campus apartment.

Toby managed to snag a position working for a successful architecture firm after he graduated. He was very secure in his job after three years and he decided now would be the perfect time to propose to Spencer. He was as in love with Spencer as ever and he was sure there was no one else in the world for him as fit for him as she was or that would love him like she did. What they had was unlike anything he ever could have imagined to happen to him and he knew she felt the same. They talked about their future together all the time; it was a given to them. He'd enlisted her best friend Hanna's help, who had gone to Parsons for fashion marketing and had been there for her since their Rosewood days, to pick out the perfect ring that Spencer would love. Hanna had been dropping hints, as subtle as she could manage (although subtle was hardly in her vocabulary) whenever she hung out with Spencer, asking her what cut and style she would like in a hypothetical engagement ring.

Toby had the night of the proposal all planned to perfection. He'd rented out a rooftop bar in Brooklyn for the night (that took quite a while for him to save up for, almost as long as it had taken to save for the ring), wanting to make sure the atmosphere was as private and romantic as it could get. He hadn't told Spencer where they were going, wouldn't even give her so much as a hint, but he made sure she picked out the most special outfit she had. This was a night he never wanted her to forget.

The suspense was killing her as Spencer paid special attention to detail while she got ready. She styled her hair in perfect loose waves and teased it at the crown, bringing half of it up to the back and securing it with tastefully sparkling bobby pins. For makeup she'd gone with a subtle brown smoky eye, never liking to go too overboard on her eye makeup. She lined her eyes with a flawless cat-eye, letting that be what called the most attention to her eyes. She coated her already long lashes in mascara and swept a light pink blush across her fair cheeks. Spencer opted for a bright matte red lipstick, more daring than she'd usually wear her lipstick but Toby insisted that tonight was extra special and he'd always liked when she wore red lipstick. For her outfit she chose a sleek, black backless shift dress that she'd kept in the back of her closet for much longer than she'd like to admit, waiting for the perfect occasion to wear it. It clung to her perfectly and ended just above the knee. She wore her staple pair of nude Michael Kors platform pumps, her modest diamond studs her parents had gifted her for her graduation in her ears (her father had insisted on buying her the biggest, flashiest pair Tiffany's had, but Spencer begged him to stick to something more realistic to her taste), gold heart necklace Toby had given her for her twentieth birthday at her neck, and her black quilted Rebecca Minkoff clutch holding all her essentials.

Toby's breath caught in his throat when she stepped out of their bedroom when she was finished getting ready but little did she know, her breath was taken away at the sight of him as well. He wore a fitted grey blazer over a red striped Ted Baker dress shirt with a black skinny tie and his nicest black jeans, finished off by his cognac brown leather wingtip oxfords, and his hair was styled to undone perfection as always.

"You are so beautiful, Spence," Toby breathed, completely entranced by the woman in front of him. She walked over to him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek so she wouldn't mess up her lipstick just yet, although she almost wanted to skip the whole night and jump into bed now with the way he looked tonight. "You look amazing, too, Tobes. I love you," she replied as she smoothed down his tie and looked into his eyes with total adoration in her own, poking the dimple in his chin. With a laugh, Toby led Spencer outside to his truck, which Spencer had bought for him so many years ago and they drove into Brooklyn.

On arrival, Toby instructed Spencer to close her eyes as he led her to the restaurant and made their way to the rooftop. Spencer hummed in anticipation and Toby couldn't keep the huge grin off his face, being sure to check that Spencer didn't peek before he told her to open her eyes. "Can I look now?" Spencer whined adorably, childlike. "Yes," he said letting go of his guiding hold on her upper arms and instead lacing his fingers with hers.

Spencer's whole face lit up as she took in the scene before her. The cool October air was still, the leaves on the trees in the distance just starting to change colors. The whole rooftop was lit up by dozens of large, round lanterns casting a golden glow to the whole scene. Various beautiful flowers and green plants provided a lively, welcoming element to the rooftop. About ten little black tables and matching chairs were scattered about, only one in the very center set with candles and appetizers waiting for them. A bottle of wine waited to be uncorked and Toby slowly led them to their table. "Toby, I can't believe you did all of this! It's amazing." Her eyes were filled with love as she stared in wonder at him. "I think I'm the luckiest girl in the world," she beamed at him as he held out her chair for her and she sat down.

They were waited on personally and brought everything they desired over the course of the hour and a half Toby had set aside for dinner. Toby had opened their bottle of Pinot Noir, Spencer's favorite, immediately after he noticed her eying it excitedly and they enjoyed a few glasses as well as many laughs and the flowing conversation that was always present between the pair.

They watched as the sun set in the sky, holding hands across the table. Once they'd been brought their dessert, Spencer finally realized that this wasn't just an extra fancy date Toby was treating her to. Toby had always been a fan of frequent romantic gestures, but there was something distinctly different about this one. He'd never rented out a rooftop in Brooklyn on a seemingly regular Wednesday night, he didn't care whether or not she dressed up (although she almost always did) when they had plans and he most certainly didn't dress up this much unless Spencer picked his outfit out for him. He was also considerably more fidgety than usual and held back in their conversations just enough that only Spencer would notice, since she knew him better than she knew herself, as if he was trying to refrain from mentioning something.

She ate the cheesecake they were sharing uneasily, watching Toby more closely now. He seemed nervous and it finally dawned her. He was going to propose. Suddenly everything felt all wrong. The air started to feel muggy around her, her dress felt too tight, the necklace she wore, nowhere near choker length, seemed to be constricting her neck. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she lowered her shaking hand to put her fork down on the plate. There was no way she could eat anymore. She wiped away the beads of sweat starting to form at her hairline and jiggled her knee up and down nervously. Toby's eyes lit up after he'd finished off the cheesecake, too exhilarated by the whole night and what was to happen next to notice Spencer's internal conflict (he was usually extremely in tune to her emotions, but he was distracted with, what he thought, good reason).

"Spencer," he started, already dropping to one knee and pulling out a small velvet box from his blazer's pocket. Spencer took the opportunity to jump to her feet immediately, wishing her eyes could look anywhere but at Toby but they were drawn to him like he was a car crash on the side of the road. "Toby," she blurted, as she shook her head 'no' from side to side. "I just can't." Toby had just barely opened the box and revealed the gorgeous sparkling diamond to Spencer. The look on his face pained Spencer to no end but she couldn't go back now.

"I thought we felt the same way about each other," he choked out.

"I'm sorry," the words hardly had a chance to float through the (much too large for a proposal) distance between them before Spencer bolted from the rooftop and down the stairs. Once she reached the ground floor, she didn't cast a second glance back at the restaurant as she dialed Hanna's number. "Hanna, can you pick me up please? I'm in Brooklyn and I need to pick up some things from home. I think I'll be staying with you for awhile if that's okay."

Spencer spent the rest of the night in Hanna's apartment, draped across Hanna's lap still wearing her dress from earlier sobbing as her mascara trailed down her cheeks and Hanna pet her hair and stroked her back comfortingly. The blonde managed to compose a quick text to Toby to let him know where Spencer was and that she was safe. She explained to him, before he could ask, that she didn't know any more than he did about what was behind Spencer's actions that night because anytime Spencer tried to explain, her words were swallowed up by her cries and she was unable to get past "I just couldn't–" because she knew Hanna wouldn't be able to decipher her words anyway.

She managed to get Spencer into her pajamas and clean off her makeup, brushing her curls out and pulling them into a ponytail at the top of her head after another hour of crying. "You must be really tired out after all that crying, Spence. Let's try and get some sleep, okay?" She looked at her best friend sympathetically and Spencer sniffed and gave a weak nod, looking more vulnerable than Hanna had seen her in a long time. Hanna peeled back the deep purple comforter on her bed and situated Spencer in comfortably with a fluffy pillow before she crawled in next to her. She knew her best friend would really need her tonight and that she wouldn't be able to sleep alone. The slightly smaller blonde enveloped her brunette friend in her arms and she began to pet her hair again when the girl began to cry out unknowingly in her sleep.

Two days quickly turned into two weeks and Spencer held too much blame to be able to return back to her apartment she shared with Toby. She missed him more than she knew was possible to miss anyone or anything. Two days after she'd fled Toby's proposal in Brooklyn, Hanna had convinced Spencer to call him. She could only exchange a few words with him before it began hurt too much.

"_Spencer?!" he breathed, thankful to be hearing from her. He was still confused and hurt and he knew where she was thanks to Hanna's text but a part of him wouldn't believe it unless he heard it directly from her. _

"_Hi Toby," she responded already feeling like an astonishingly selfish fool. _

"_Are you okay?" _

"_Yes, I'm…fine. Look, I'm so sorry for what I did. I just need you to understand that I need some space right now, okay?" _

"_Okay," he answered weakly and she winced at the way his voice sounded like a wounded puppy dog. _

"_I still love you. Please don't forget that. I could never stop. But, I just need to be here right now, okay?" She closed her eyes in anticipation of hearing the sadness that she would undoubtedly hear in his response._

"_I love you, too. Spencer–" he started, but she quickly cut him off. "Bye, Toby." She ended the call and yelled unintelligibly as she threw her phone across the room and felt the tears start to flow from her eyes._

A few days later, Peter and Veronica Hastings had called Spencer to hear the latest developments directly from her after they'd called the apartment to check in on her and Toby and didn't find their daughter. Toby felt like he had no other options but to fill them in on what had happened. She had a brief conversation with them and brought them to speed on her side of the story, but it was no use getting them to understand. She did make it clear that her feelings for him hadn't changed, she just felt like there was a roadblock between her and moving forward in that particular direction.

Sometime during her stay with Hanna, Spencer had even spoken to her sister Melissa about the whole situation. Spencer and Melissa didn't speak very often; they had a rather rocky relationship ever since they could remember although neither could place why exactly it was like this between them or when it even had started. They'd chalked it up to sibling rivalry that they never really grew out of; at least they hadn't lived under the same roof in years so distance made it bearable. But things had gotten better sometime halfway through Spencer's college years and they spoke to each other more frequently. Spencer was able to open up to Melissa more than she had their parents and she confided some of her fears in her sister. Of course, much like their parents, Melissa assured her Spencer had nothing to worry about when it came to Toby: that he treated her well, he was head over heels in love with her, and she was lucky to have someone like that in her life; all of which were things Spencer was perfectly aware of. He wasn't the problem: she was. She went on to assure her that married life was full of rewards and she would have nothing to worry about. Melissa had been married to Wren Kingston, her perfect British doctor, for three years now and their bouncing brunette baby boy, Thatcher, who was a year old, was just the bonus on top of it all. But they both knew without saying that what Melissa and Wren had paled in comparison to what Spencer and Toby shared.

But the only people that exchanged words as often as Spencer and Hanna, now basically temporary roommates at this point, were Hanna and Toby. Toby texted her multiple times a day once he realized Spencer wouldn't answer him anymore. He needed to know that she was okay, that she hadn't forgotten him and completely abandoned him. Hanna let him know what Spencer was up to throughout each day. Truthfully Spencer a lot of her time crying when she wasn't at work but Hanna tried to embellish the truth of a bit to set his mind at ease since she'd found out through Emily, Toby's best friend, that he was just as much of a wreck as Spencer was although he told Hanna otherwise. Hanna ended up letting Spencer know that Emily and even Jason, Spencer's half-brother, were regularly visiting Toby and Spencer felt her guilt ease up for a moment, happy that Toby wasn't alone and that he still had people that loved and cared for him when she didn't feel like she deserved him.

In that same moment of weakness, Spencer decided to call him. She needed to give him some kind of closure, a set of definitive words and not just a bunch of uncertainties strung together that he couldn't hold on to.

"Toby," she said quickly before he had the chance to greet her first.

"Hi, Spencer," he replied with some cheer in his voice. How was he able to keep such faith in her, even if it was the slightest bit?

"Listen, Toby. I think we should…go on a break. Before you say anything, I know that I've said that I think the whole 'break' thing is stupid and it's just for people who want to have their cake and eat it, too. But, I know what I want, Toby. I want you but I'm just not sure we want the same…future. That's what I need time to think about and I just want you to be free to have the option to think about it to. I wouldn't blame you if you want to completely rethink everything. So, let's just call it a break until I get back, okay?"

"Spencer, that's never gonna happen. But, if that's what makes you feel happy…that's all I want, for you to be happy." Toby's voice trembled and she heard him gulp loudly.

"I love you," she told him and quickly ended the call.


	2. All the King's Horses All the Kings Men

**a/n: **So, I wasn't able to decide what Spencer should have majored in/what career path she's gone with but since it doesn't really affect the story's plot it'll just be implied that she has that all figured out. ;) That being said, please enjoy part one!

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_Part One: All the King's Horses, All the King's Men_

On her fourteenth day living with Hanna, Spencer had returned to Hanna's apartment after work a few hours after the blonde had. She'd decided to put in an extra two hours that night to serve as a much needed distraction. She set her bag down next to the coffee table in front of the couch where Hanna was seated and shrugged out of her jacket, walking over to the closet and hanging it up beside Hanna's. By this point in Spencer's stay, Hanna had insisted that Spencer make herself at home so, all of Spencer's belongings lived amongst Hanna's: their clothes sharing closet space, all of her toiletries mixed in with her best friend's. She'd become as comfortable here as if she'd been living there forever and Hanna had no complaints. Spencer had been a great roommate; her apartment certainly stayed tidier than it had been before she arrived and she no longer felt a nostalgia for the sleepovers they'd had in their teenage years. Taking a seat on the couch, Spencer cast a second glance at the stack of movies she noticed sitting atop the coffee table on her way in.

"I see you've discovered my surprise for you," Hanna grinned widely as she picked up the DVD resting at the top of the stack. "Jake Gyllenhaal! I know he's your weakness so I picked up all his movies. I thought we'd start with Brokeback Mountain, for obvious reasons," she chirped as she elbowed Spencer in her side. Spencer gave a small laugh and nodded. "Okay, let's do it. I'll warm up some dinner for us, too."

An hour into the movie, Spencer and Hanna had polished off the last of Spencer's homemade lasagna that she made a few days prior. It was her signature dish and Spencer made it for all occasions; this time just happened to be because she was feeling so miserable and she found cooking soothed her and put her mind at ease, even if it was only for as long as a recipe's approximated preparation time. Since they'd both seen the movie before, they chatted over it and caught each other up on their days at work. Of course the conversation had drifted to Toby, as it somehow always did.

"So, do you think you'll go back soon," Hanna inquired hopefully. She hated to see Spencer this way and although she was considerably better than the first night she stayed at Hanna's, it was clear Spencer wouldn't truly be back to herself until she patched things up with Toby. They'd had rifts in their relationship before, but Hanna had never seen Spencer so broken up about anything before and she wasn't accustomed to seeing her friend this way.

"Honestly, Hanna, I don't know. I miss him, you know that. But what I did was awful. He shouldn't even want me back. I mean, of course I have the right to let him know if he's moving too fast regardless of how long we've been together, but I didn't even give him a chance. I just ran off and hid. It's not like I'm even doing a good job of hiding. I'm only a train ride away," Spencer sighed in frustration.

"Well, what did you wanna do? Go halfway across the country to Cambodia or something?" Hanna retorted lightheartedly. Spencer shot her a look and turned her focus back on Jake Gyllenhaal.

"Look, Spence, all I'm saying is that he loves you. He'll understand if you just sit down and talk to him about it. You can't be surprised that he wants to marry you. I mean, hell, you've even talked super openly about wanting babies with him when we were all hanging out! Not to mention you guys have been together for nearly a decathlon. If that doesn't say long-term commitment, I really don't know what does. I'll have to warn Caleb if you decided to change the definition or something."

"You mean a decade, Hanna?" Spencer deadpanned. She was growing tired of this conversation quickly, really wishing tonight had been the relaxing night she longed for on her way home from work instead of another night stressing over Toby.

"You know what I mean. Maybe you should call him or something. You can make some plans to meet him for lunch? From the amount he texts me to ask about you, he'd probably rather be having phone sex with you right now but I think he's starting to get scared. He wants to call you, but even if you answered he thinks he'll say the wrong thing to you and chase you away." Hanna glanced down and away from Spencer as she mumbled under her breath, "Well, further away."

Spencer sniffled and stood up as she felt those familiar, stupid tears began to fill her eyes again. By now she'd pretty much completely lost control of the emotions she'd been able to hide away so well for her whole life and the sadness would come over her without warning. "You know what, Hanna, I think I'm gonna head out for a little while. If I start crying now I might not stop and I'd rather fall asleep tonight from getting some much needed fresh air, not because I've had all my energy drained from dribbling snot out of my nose for hours. I've gone through at least four bottles of eye drops since I've been here from all the mornings I wake up with red, demon eyes."

"Yeah, that's not the prettiest sight by the way. But, where to? I could come with," Hanna tried hopefully.

"I could use some coffee. But, I think I need to be alone for a little while." Spencer smiled weakly at her best friend. She didn't want her to think she was ungrateful. She appreciated all that Hanna had done for her, now in the time she'd been here but also in all the years they'd known each other, but she couldn't deal with more attempts of persuasion from anyone else to fix this whole mess with Toby she was in before she felt ready to. She needed to fix it at her own pace and right now she just wanted to not think about it and give into her favorite vice instead.

"Okay, well be careful. I worry about you, you know."

Spencer shot a weary glance back at Hanna and walked into her bedroom, which they now basically shared, and grabbed a book she hadn't unpacked thus far from her suitcase and threw it into her purse. She walked over to the front door and let herself out, tying her waves of chestnut hair into a neat bun at the top of her head. She needed some fresh air and time to herself and she figured making a stop at her favorite coffee shop three blocks away was the perfect place to get just that. As she made her way there slowly, she hastily wiped away the tears brimming in her eyes. She was determined not to make a fool of herself and cry in public, even if there weren't many people passing her at the moment in the streets. She'd broken down enough in the past two weeks and the whole point of leaving Hanna's apartment tonight was to have some quiet time to herself, no tears welcome. It seemed every conversation she had with Hanna started and ended with her crying, which made perfect sense considering the topic at the center of their talks. It was really doing a number on her ego and she was growing tired of not being able to recognize the weak person that looked back at her every time she caught her reflection.

Once she finally made it to the café, a small smile unconsciously made its way across her features as Spencer inhaled the smell of freshly ground coffee beans. Leave it to coffee to be the thing that automatically brightened her spirits. Her eyes looked around the warm, welcoming coffee shop and immediately found that her favorite seat was unoccupied. She set her purse down on the tufted, velvet chartreuse colored armchair and unzipped it briefly to retrieve her wallet. Spencer quickly walked over to the register and placed her order for the largest size of black coffee the place offered and was curled up into the armchair in no time, cup of coffee at her lips this time.

She placed the cup down for a moment to pull the book out of her purse. Spencer took a deep breath and exhaled as she opened it up to the first page and let her eyes peel over the familiar words. She'd read the book more times than she could count, even in other languages, and it was almost masochistic to be rereading it at a time like this. But, she couldn't deny the odd comfort it provided her while she was feeling so uncertain about everything. As she flipped to the fifth page a few minutes later, she heard a familiar voice placing their order by the register. Spencer hadn't even noticed the man come in, but that voice wasn't one she'd soon forget.

"Catcher in the Rye?" his voice sounded, closer this time than she expected.

Her eyes found his dark blue ones as she looked up from the worn pages and replied, "Yeah, it uh…reminds me of someone." She'd heard the sad tone in her own voice and not wanting him to comment on it, at least not so soon, gave a small shake of her head and a bright smile as she went on, "Why don't you sit down?" She was happy to see him, after all, and couldn't believe they were running into each other here, of all places.

The man with dark, wavy hair returned her smile and took a seat on the plush sofa across from the armchair Spencer was seated in and placed his mug on the coffee table between them as Spencer placed her book down on the same table, covering it quickly by placing her purse on top of it.

Pushing any residual thoughts of Toby to the back of her mind, Spencer smiled again. "So how have you been, Ezra?"

He flashed a quick smile of perfect pearly whites and replied, "I've been doing well." He picked up his mug and took a small sip of his coffee.

"It's been awhile, hasn't it?" Spencer said.

"Two years."

"Wow, has it really been that long?" Spencer breathed.

Spencer and Ezra had attended NYU together. Although they were both attending the school for different majors, they'd met when their curriculums collided in the form of a mandatory writing class their sophomore year. They'd hit it off right away and became fast friends. They were close all the way until graduation two years ago, which is the last time they'd spoken. Spencer sighed, suddenly feeling like an awful person for having lost touch with someone that had been such a wonderful friend to her for no good reason at all.

Ezra gave a small smile as he nodded. Spencer looked down as she smiled sadly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Spencer. It happens. I should have reached out to you. So, what have you been up to? Are you still with–"

"Toby?" she cut him off. There it was, the question that she'd been dreading, but of course she knew it was inevitable. Ezra had gotten to know him when Spencer invited him to hang out with them in between classes for lunch, on double dates, at Spencer and Toby's apartment, and the countless other times they'd spent in each other's company. But she'd tell Ezra all about him in his absence, too; he always came up in their conversations. Ezra knew how in love she was with him. "No, I managed to fuck that one up."

Ezra gave a weak chuckle as his ultramarine eyes met back with her chocolate ones. "Yeah, things with Aria and I ended, too. That was definitely my fault."

"Looks like we're in the same boat then, huh?" Spencer picked up her mug of coffee and took a long sip, letting the warm liquid wash over her and warm her insides in hopes of taking away some of the desolate feeling that came with talking about Toby even for the briefest of moments.

Ezra and Spencer went back and forth, catching up on lost time and relishing in the stories of what they'd missed in the two years they'd been absent from the others' lives. Spencer found herself enjoying his company as much as she did when they'd been best friends so many years ago and she couldn't help but feel a sense of calm that had been missing in her for the last two weeks. It was familiar to be around him and talking this way again, as if no time had passed. It was already 9:45 and the coffee shop would be closing soon.

As their laughter died down and he realized the time, Ezra made a proposition. "Listen, I had been planning to order in some Chinese food and wallow in my self-pity; I'd been having a pretty down day. I live right across the street and I'm still pretty hungry despite finishing off this massive cup of coffee. Would you wanna stop by?"

Spencer barely had to give it a second thought before she responded. "I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend this night myself. My day was pretty shitty, too."

With that, the two old friends abandoned their empty mugs and left the café, the door's bell ringing behind them as the cool, late October air blew it shut. They made their way across the street and to Ezra's apartment in record time, Ezra already making the phone call to place their order in the elevator as Spencer shouted out various dishes for him to tack on to their growing list. He'd almost forgotten just how much Spencer liked to eat, especially on the days she was feeling down or cramming for a big exam.

Half an hour later, they were surrounded by little white cartons of more food than the two could probably eat in a week and the apartment glowed with the soft light of the various lamps Ezra had turned on and the old sixties movie playing on the television screen. Another hour passed and they'd also emptied a bottle and a half of scotch, figuring it was appropriate considering they both had sorrows to drown and the hour was getting later still.

"Hey," Spencer said, already bursting into drunken laughter, "do you remember that stupid party we went to that one time?"

"The one that ended with me sans pants and carrying you through the dormitories looking for our room when neither of us even dormed there?"

"Yeah! And I kept asking for that fish bowl and wondering where the fish could've possibly went and if maybe it grew legs and walked away. Why did I keep asking for a fish bowl?"

"Because someone actually _brought_ a fish bowl to the party."

The two friends were wiping tears of laughter from their eyes and clutching onto each other as they tried to find their breath in between guffaws.

"Yeah, we never went to another one of those again. Good thing, too, because that night was ridiculous. I guess we've never been the partying types," Spencer slurred once she'd been able to stop laughing for long enough to get a word out.

"No, that we definitely are not," Ezra smiled lazily. He picked up the last egg roll and took a big bite, when he noticed Spencer staring at him. "What?" He realized it wasn't him she was staring at but the egg roll in his hand. "Oops," he said as a few crumbs fell out of his mouth.

Spencer burst out into laughter again and Ezra nearly choked as he swallowed down the bite he'd taken and simultaneously joined Spencer's cackling.

"I really missed this, y'know. It's crazy how I didn't realize it until now," Spencer said as she looked at him with nostalgia in her eyes.

"Yeah, me too. I wish I had a better reason for it going on this long," Ezra replied as he ran a hand through his hair. "I mean, I don't really have one truthfully."

"Me either." Through the haze of alcohol, Spencer saw something in Ezra she'd never seen before. The glint that was almost always present in his eyes shone brighter, the sound of his laugh sounded sweeter, there was just something about him that was different. Maybe it was because they were older now. Or maybe she was just so heartbroken her feelings were playing tricks on her. But, she'd never seen Ezra in any light besides platonic. Of course, they'd both been in serious relationships when their friendship was its strongest. Maybe that's why now, Spencer leaned in a little closer. Maybe that's why the scent of her perfume got him that bit drunker. Maybe that's why all the memories they'd shared didn't feel like memories anymore, but as if they were the events that had taken place the day before.

Ezra closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to Spencer's. He'd never anticipated this happening, never even _dreamed of_ dreaming of it. But, now as it was happening he wasn't sure why it hadn't before, even though he already knew the answer. She threaded her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck and he deepened the kiss before she pulled away. Her chocolate eyes were wide with an emotion he couldn't decipher.

A million thoughts ran through her head and they were so loud and numerous that they almost sobered her up, but not one of them was clear. "That was…" What was it? Spencer had actually enjoyed the kiss; she'd never thought Fitz would be a good kisser, hell she'd never even thought about his lips until this very moment. She'd more than enjoyed it, if she let herself admit it. That's why she dove in for another, letting her hair fall down her back in waves from the bun at the top of her head, before she could convince herself she shouldn't; that it was wrong; that she loved someone else even though they'd decided not to be together for the time being. She decided. Not him. He would never come to that conclusion; he'd only gone along with it because there was no convincing her otherwise once her mind was made up and he only wanted what she did if that's what made her happy.

Ezra's hands reached for Spencer's blouse, gaining a sense of confidence in his drunken state. She didn't protest, but moaned into his mouth in return as his hands traced the curve of her exposed hip. She broke away from his lips for a moment to pull his shirt over his head and observed what she uncovered for a moment. _Not bad, Fitz,_ she let herself think before she thrust her tongue into his mouth. His hand found her breast and squeezed and she gave a tiny whimper as she ran her hands down his back. Both breathless, they stopped to laugh and Spencer brushed the hair back out of his eyes. Their eyes bore into each other's for a prolonged moment, both sets of eyes, coffee and sapphire, breaking away momentarily to gaze hungrily at the other's lips. Ezra took this as an opportunity to reach for the zipper on Spencer's jeans as he kissed her once more and he pulled the denim down from her legs and tossed it onto the floor. She kissed him back once more until it dawned on her.

Spencer broke away from Ezra and stood up off the couch so quickly that the room began to spin around her. She shook her head and yelped out, "No. No. I'm so sorry. I can't."

Ezra stared back at her wide-eyed and nodded. "Okay. Yeah. You're probably right. Yeah. Yeah. You are. We can't. It's not–"

"Not right."

"Not right at all."

All lust gone, nearly sober, and suddenly feeling extremely modest, Spencer grabbed her clothing that had landed on the floor and sat back down next to Ezra, farther away this time and her clothing in her lap. She looked over at him with tears threatening to spill over from her eyes.

"I still love Toby. The reason…you know, that it ended? He wanted to propose to me and I freaked out. Why would I do that? I've loved this guy, the same guy, since high school and he finally proposes to me. It's not like I hadn't been waiting for it. It's not like I've never pictured myself married to him. With kids even! Kids, Ezra, could you honestly even see me with kids?" Ezra laughed as she continued. "But, with him I want it all. So why would I react like that when he's about to propose to me? It's like I saw it coming a mile away that night, I knew what was about to happen, and I just got so scared. I didn't even let him ask the question before I was running out. And now I go and do this?"

Ezra winced, but he nodded. "No, I get it. I remember you telling me everything you felt for him. I mean, I knew the guy pretty well seeing as we all hung out so often, but I knew how much you loved him without you having to even go into detail about it later. I saw it. Trust me, I want another chance to make it work with Aria too. I don't really know how I'm gonna explain this to her or how she'll take it. But, Spencer you need to go to him. He loves you just as much as you love him. Love like that is rare. I think you and I had only read about it in books up until we met them."

Spencer wiped the tears from her face and laughed. "Yeah, you're completely right. I honestly started to believe love didn't even exist, that it was all just made up. But he proved me wrong, over and over again. I hate that I messed it all up, but I just hope I can fix it. I hope he can see how stupid I actually am and still want me back. He's all I want, y'know? I mean, this was pretty surprising and I don't wanna discredit you. It was fun, I guess, but we were–are–also pretty drunk and I think there could have been something in that Chinese food. But, you know how I get when I'm drunk."

"Bold. Really bold. I just didn't know you could get that…uh, out there."

"Hey, same goes for you." She poked him in the side and gave a small laugh. Then, she realized something. "I'm still just in my bra and underwear, aren't I?"

Ezra looked at her and gave her a once-over, feeling a bit bold again himself. "Yeah. Yeah, you are. And I'm still shirtless." Feeling quite horrified, he grabbed his shirt from the floor and returned it back over his head. Spencer shook her head as she put her jeans back on and her blouse, as well.

She stood back up and Ezra joined her this time. Spencer's eyes peeled over the apartment and she flinched at the empty Chinese food cartons that had somehow seemed to scatter all over the place, most likely in their haste of moments before. "I should probably stay and help you clean up but–"

"You have a Toby to get back."

Spencer laughed and suddenly felt a little warmer at the thought of him this time. "Yeah, I do. And you should call Aria."

They locked eyes again, but the air around them was comfortable as it had always been when they were friends studying hard over endless amounts of caffeine and trading tales of the romantic gestures they'd displayed for their respective lovers.

"I hate that we went so long without seeing each other and this happened. But, we should try this time. To keep in touch," Spencer said to him wistfully.

"Yeah, if Toby and Aria don't team up to send us to the guillotine," Ezra darkly chuckled.

"You've got a serious point there."

Spencer picked up her purse and Ezra led her to the door, unlocking it. She stepped just outside the door and they smiled at each other.

"No goodnight kiss," Ezra stated.

"NO. No more kisses ever, Fitz," Spencer retorted and they both burst into laughter once again. She turned on her heel and walked over to the elevator, hearing his door shut and the lock turn in the distance behind her.

Spencer walked those three blocks back to Hanna's apartment again, glancing at the coffee shop whose lights were out now. They were the same three blocks, but everything felt so different. She still felt regret, but it wasn't the same regret. It was almost worse, but somehow it permeated with more hope this time. Sure, she'd always think that hope bred eternal misery but she was determined to mend things with Toby and this time things between them would be even better. They had to be. She didn't know what she would do if she'd really screwed it up completely this time and lost him forever.

It was nearly 1 AM now, as the elevator dinged and Spencer made her way into Hanna's apartment. She crept in quietly, expecting Hanna to be asleep but the blonde was perched in front of the television in the living room with a bowl of popcorn staring at Ryan Gosling on the television screen.

"Oh, hey Spence! Wanna join me for some Gosling?"

"As nice as that sounds, I think it's time for me to go home," Spencer replied feeling sure of herself.

"You spoke to Toby?! Spencer, that's great!"

"Uh, not exactly. I might have made things worse, actually, but I know that I need to see him right now and now is the only time to fix things." Spencer quickly filled her in on how she'd spent the previous few hours and Hanna found it so entertaining that she ditched the movie she was watching all together, using Spencer's story as the accompaniment to her popcorn.

"Wow and I thought I was a fuckup. But you know what, I think it'll be fine. Toby loves you like crazy and he's missed you so much since you've been here. I think he's texted me more times than we've had conversations in person. I don't really know how he'd react to something like this, but I doubt he'd wanna lose you over _anything_. I mean, he spent a shitton of money on that rock he was gonna give you. If you were someone else, he'd probably return the thing; but it's you, Spencer. You've been together since, like, the dinosaurs pretty much."

"Thanks, Hanna. I think." With that, Spencer turned and made her way into Hanna's bedroom and quickly packed her suitcase. The anxiety was starting to build up in her as the room emptied of her belongings and her suitcase filled. She placed her purse at the top of the neat piles of clothing and reached in before she closed the suitcase. Spencer pulled out her tattered copy of Catcher in the Rye and ran her fingers along the cover. Her mind filled with thoughts of Toby and she was nearly overcome with the love she felt for him, the love she'd always feel for him. She placed it into the zippered pocket on the inside of her suitcase and closed the whole thing, wheeling it out of Hanna's room and to the front door.

Her nerves were at an all-time high now and Spencer reached out to Hanna to hug her. She thanked her for how sweet and supportive she'd been over the last two weeks, but she knew no words she said would ever be able to express just how thankful she was. Hanna had been such an incredible support system for Spencer and she'd always be grateful for that.

"Don't be nervous, Spence. Emily has probably cleared out by now and I'm sure he'll be happy to see you either way. You guys have never been apart this long," Hanna reassured her. Spencer felt a pang of guilt thinking of how many times Emily must have gone over to comfort Toby and she felt like an idiot when she thought of what she'd need to confess to him on top of her apologies for this whole situation in the first place.

"I'll let you know how it goes. Unless you somehow find out before that." Spencer laughed nervously and gave a small wave to Hanna, pulling her suitcase behind her as she left hurriedly before she lost her nerve.

She walked the twenty-five blocks back to her and Toby's apartment, not even daring to wait for the train back at this hour. The long wait would make her anxiety skyrocket and she couldn't deal with a panic attack underground. Plus, this way she'd have more time to think and she needed as much time as she could manage on her side to think of what she would say to Toby once she got home. The late autumn air was cold now, as the time on her phone changed to 1:30 AM. It was waking her up and snapping her out of her still slightly tipsy state. Spencer couldn't fathom how stupid she'd been to let something like this happen, with Ezra no less. She couldn't help but harbor guilt for what had happened on the night of the proposal, but now she had a drunken mistake to add on top of it. How could she let anything get in the way of her love for Toby? He was the only guy she'd ever wanted, the only guy she still wanted. Ezra just happened to be there and they were both so pathetically lonely and overcome with sadness over what they'd lost. It was a cruel twist of fate that best friends would meet after having lost touch for so long and happen to be under the circumstances of heartbreak at the same time. But that didn't excuse what she'd done and Spencer knew that; she wouldn't dare deny it. She could only hope that Toby would understand.

Spencer finally made it back home to the lobby of the building where her apartment she shared with Toby was. Home. It was nice to finally feel like she could come back here and call it that and still feel some kind of warmth. She burst out of the elevator doors when it reached their floor and she fumbled for the keys in her pocket, dropping them twice before she was finally able to unlock their door.

Spencer wheeled the suitcase in and set it just next to the door. The apartment was surprisingly tidy, although she wasn't sure why she thought she'd find it otherwise; Toby liked to keep their home neat almost as much as she did, although she was never sure if it was because he was naturally that way or if it was out of love for her. It was dark, too, but there was a light down the hallway. She caught her reflection in a mirror in the living room and smoothed out her hair and straightened her clothing out. If it were up to her, she'd shower and completely change her outfit, maybe put her hair back in a braid, but there was no time to keep up appearances because her urgency to set things right with Toby was greater than her need to make herself feel better about her outward appearance in hopes of making herself feel better about herself on the inside.

She eased down the hallway and paused at the first door on the left. Spencer closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to prepare herself for whatever would come next. She cracked the door open and the tears nearly started flowing right then and there at the sight. Toby was curled up in their bed, her side still made, reading Catcher in the Rye by his bedside lamp. She resisted the urge to sniffle and opened the door wider, stepping inside this time. Toby looked up at her and his eyes, those crystal blue eyes that she missed more than she could ever say, conveyed a wash of so many different emotions one right after the other.

"Spencer?"

* * *

**a/n: **The second part is already written and will be up soon. The rating will also be updated to M. I really hope you enjoyed and I'd love to hear your feedback, so any reviews are much appreciated! Thank you so much for reading!


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